Friday, December 4, 2009

bitter sweet memories

It's been a year since the start of the worst month of my entire life.
It seems like it was so long ago and just yesterday my life started to unravel starting with Naigen's death and followed by several other friends and family members dying. This was only followed by an endless string of drama and abruptly halted at January 09, leaving me with a bitter taste in my mouth.
I was never an angry or negative person. Never have been but in January I was mad at everything but my horses. Eventually it passed.

To be honest I knew it was December the 4th today, but it never registered that it was really THE FOURTH OF DECEMBER until just now when I walked in and sat down at the computer. I thought about visiting Naigens grave but other things kept me busy, thank goodness.

I've found so many pictures I forgot I had even taken of her. I'll try and post some.

I thought today about little things she did that always calmed me. I never had to worry about her running away when I let her out for grass. She would contently munch and wander and come back to me when I went to go get her.

She never minded being new places. Heres a pretty embarassing picture of me all dressed up in period costume at the john r park for fun and games of the past day. That door open behind us was a pretty dark, scary looking old stall.
Naigen took it upon herself to make it her stall and stood in the doorway and neighed at any visitors walking along the path to her left.
I loved the way she would sigh. You knew everything in her life at that moment was alright. She would inhale twice and then let all her wind out in one long content sigh. Naigen was the only horse I had that I would put in pink. She looked so darn cute and a bunch of little girls were always riding her so it fit perfectly.

Bananas were here favorite treat. The lip smacking sound she made when she ate a banana made me smile. I bought her banana lik-it's and she loved them. Bulk food store made me stock up on dehydrated banana chips, banana candies, banana bread, you name it banana and she loved it.

She was so spoiled. Everyone fed her everything. She was never rude or pushy though but she did have this nicker she would carry on when she knew you had something for her until she got it. It made me give up what treats I had in a second.

You can see her gorgeous long tail here that I worked so hard on to make it, and keep it this long and thick. I have quite the few tricks up my sleeves.
After she was euthanized and lie in the arena Audry and I cut a handful of her tail hair off. I made Robyn (the lady who originally found her), Audry and her granddaughter (who had open heart surgery and learned to ride and confidence on Naigen) each necklaces with an individual silver horse charm. The chains on which the charms hung was Naigen's hair.
Everyone cried when I gave them their Naigen hair necklaces.

I never made one for myself.
I still have the rest of the hair.
I only re-opened the bag I had the hair in last month and ran my fingers through the strands. Her hair always tangled so easily it was always wavy and thick.
I think it's time for me to start remembering my little horse with a piece of horse hair jewelry. I already wear an Indigo necklace often.
What should I make with Naigens hair to remmeber her by?

I think making something finally would be a new good chapter to the end of 09. Already the dark clouds are lifting and I have a feeling this December is going to be better than 08's December. I can only hope as I bundle up and put on my chaps to go face the wind and cold for a night of carriage rides for the BIA in the city. I hope I don't freeze.


Jo said...

I'm crying. I am so sorry.

I made dream catchers with the hair from my cats, but it was your idea to do so. I think that a necklace is a perfect thing to make. I love the necklaces I make. Sorry I don't have any new ideas.

Fantastyk Voyager said...

I'm so sorry! She was gorgeous! She does remind me of my Nadia, a very sweet, loving mare, as well.

I will be glad 2009 is over too. It has been an extreme year for me also.

Pony Girl said...

Sorry it was such a tough year for you. :( Anniversaries are hard, usually even if you forget why as that day arrives, emotions can run high, it's as if your heart knows. I loved your story of your mare....she was so beautiful. What a special idea to make the charms on the necklaces! I suggest something similar for yourself, how much do you have? Maybe a hat band, or, I like the dream-catcher another commenter said, too. Hang in there!

Laughing Orca Ranch said...

Your post made me tear up. Naigen was a beautiful mare and a sweet soul, too.

Your post reminded me that Dec 24th is coming up. The day that my life with horses and my dreams to own my horse and ride were dashed in just an instant. The months of pain, frustration, sadness, anger, fear, and more pain all started this month. How strange that it's almost been a year since I last sat on a horse's back.

Your post also brought up the painful memories of Rojo's death. You probably think I've been ignoring you about the Pay It Forward and making something special with Rojo's tail hair, but no, it's not that. I just haven't been able to even touch his tail without feeling like I can't breathe.
It still feels so raw, though I don't know why. All this time has passed and he didn't even belong to me.
But I miss him and I often think of him and feel so sad when I look out into his pasture and he's not there anymore. I can see the place where he stood with his broken leg in pain, from my bedroom window and it doesn't take much for me to see that night again today as clear as it happened this past summer.

I know I want to honor him in some special way, and that his tail is doing no good just sitting on the shelf getting dusty, but somehow I need to move past the terrible saddness.

(((((HUGS))))) for you,

word verification: crize

I crize for the loss of your beautiful, sweet Naigen.

Grey Horse Matters said...

Naigen sounds like the most wonderful mare. You and she were lucky to have found each other and been connected souls. I'm sure wherever she is (and I'm sure it's in a pristine mountain pasture with clear running streams) she is galloping and still thinking of you and all her friends she left behind. It's never easy to say goodbye forever to our most beloved friends but unfortunately that's the way of the world. I've been through this myself two years ago, I'll never forget my boy or stop missing him but it does get better. The memories of all we shared together make it easier each day.

I have a bracelet made from Erik's hair which I will always keep. The necklaces you made were beautiful and thoughtful. I think anything you come up with will be special and yours alone to remember and celebrate her life with you. Feel better.

Far Side of Fifty said...

This is a lovely tribute to a much loved and missed horse. You are very lucky to have had her in your life! You will come up with something to make out of her tail hair for will heal you. :)

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